The truth about me.

A Few Thoughts

2011-08-25T10:55:00.003-07:00

There is significance in the name of my son Jacob. Jacob wrestled with God, much like how I did through my illness and early pregnancy. I was so angry at God for a while, but once I saw my baby on the screen for the first time, my heart softened a little. The love for my son started to win the battle against my anger. I knew that God was going to be with me through the pregnancy and adoption. He was.

So now I am grieving the loss of Jacob still, but it is a grief filled with hope and gratitude. I allow myself to cry, but then I allow myself to be joyful about the life that I gave him, and the family that has a son now.

I still have to manage my illness well. But now it is a peace with it knowing that I am loved through illness. I still do not like to take my medicine, but for the sake of my wellbeing, and the wellbeing of those around me it is necessary for me to be diligent in my compliance with my treatment. I want to be someone Jacob can be proud of. =)

Came to my Rescue

2011-08-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours
My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

-Hillsong United Song

I thought about speaking at the Gathering again tonight. I really hope that I am able to do that. I feel like God wants me to share my story about His faithfulness. I would be so excited if I can speak to JBU about what God has done in my life. He showed me that He is bigger than mental illness. He is bigger than my chaos and confusion. God will stay with me through everything, and He will keep me safe. I do not have to be so ashamed of my illness. God loves me, and that is what matters most. I do not need the approval or acceptance or understanding of others because I can have assurance in the Lord. Sure, I do not necessarily want to broadcast that I have bipolar disorder, but I feel more comofrable with my diagnosis. I also am so thankful that I was able to be diagnosed so early. I am thankful that during the first struggls with it, I was at New Life Ranch, then Vista, then JBU. Places where people truly cared about my wellbeing. I thank God for that.

Jenny sent pictures and another letter in the mail today from Little Rock, I am soooo excited to receive them. I hope they get here tomorrow, but I am sure they will at least be here by Thursday. The
grief of Jacob hits me at unexpected and random times. When I was at the rehearsal dinner for Bethany's wedding, there was a slideshow of pictures of Bethany and Doug. When the slideshow about Doug and his childhood was being shown I started to get emotional. I was thinking that this slideshow of pictures throughout Dougs life would be all that I would get for Jacob. I would see his life like a slideshow of pictures. It was sad. However, I always know I did the best thing for my baby. But I still am sad about it, and I think there will always be sadnss there. I am tearing up now thinking about it. I listened to "everything to me" by mark shultz again and again today. I might show that at the Gathering so people can kinda have a picture of what it is like to go through an adoption.

It is hard, but I do love God. He gave me hope, and He gives me a future. Always a future, no matter how lost and messed up my past is. There is alaways the hope of glory Jesus Christ.

Quotes from Saints

2011-08-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

'This dark night is an inflowing of God into the soul, which purges it from its ignorances and imperfections, habitual natural and spiritual, and which is called by contemplatives infused contemplation, or mystical theology. Herein God secretly teaches the soul and instructs it in perfection of love without its doing anything, or understanding of what manner is this infused contemplation. Inasmuch as it is the loving wisdom of God, God produces striking effects in the soul for, by purging and illumining it, He prepares it for the union of love with God. Wherefore the same loving wisdom that purges the blessed spirits and enlightens them is that which here purges the soul and illumines it.

But the question arises: Why is the Divine light (which as we say, illumines and purges the soul from its ignorances) here called by the soul a dark night? To this the answer is that for two reasons this Divine wisdom is not only night and darkness for the soul, but is likewise affliction and torment. The first is because of the height of Divine Wisdom, which transcends the talent of the soul, and in this way is darkness to it; the second, because of its vileness and impurity, in which respect it is painful and afflictive to it, and is also dark.'

St. John of the Cross

'Well and good if all things change, Lord God, provided we are rooted in You.'

St. John of the Cross

'When your poor, restless heart turns by the grace of God towards the divine light, and conceives a wish to fly thither and be consumed therein, speak to God with profound reverence and gratitude of the wonders He did in becoming incarnate, suffering and dying for us.'

St. Paul of the Cross

'Not only the heavens, but the sight of a blade of grass, or of the most insignificant thing, suffices to inflame with love of God the heart that knows Him.'

St. Ignatius of Loyola

'O Lord My God, Grant . . .' Prayerby St. Thomas Aquinas

O Lord my God, Grant me a mind to know Thee.
A heart to seek Thee. Wisdom to find Thee.
Conduct pleasing to Thee.
Faithful perseverance in waiting for Thee.
And hope of finally embracing Thee.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith ;
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
--Saint Francis of Assisi

St. Patrick

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a mulitude.

Christ shield me today
Against wounding
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord of creation.

St. Patrick

St. Anselm

O Lord my God,
Teach my heart this day where and how to see you,
Where and how to find you.
You have made me and remade me,
And you have bestowed on me
All the good things I possess,
And still I do not know you.
I have not yet done that
For which I was made.
Teach me to seek you,
For I cannot seek you
Unless you teach me,
Or find you
Unless you show yourself to me.
Let me seek you in my desire,
Let me desire you in my seeking.
Let me find you by loving you,
Let me love you when I find you.

St. Anselm

St. Francis Of Assisi

You are holy, Lord, the only God,
and Your deeds are wonderful.
You are strong.
You are great.
You are the Most High.
You are Almighty.
You, Holy Father are King of heaven and earth.
You are Three and One, Lord God, all Good.
You are Good, all Good, supreme Good,
Lord God, living and true.
You are love. You are wisdom.
You are humility. You are endurance.
You are rest. You are peace.
You are joy and gladness.
You are justice and moderation.
You are all our riches, and You suffice for us.
You are beauty.
You are gentleness.
You are our protector.
You are our guardian and defender.
You are our courage. You are our haven and our hope.
You are our faith, our great consolation.
You are our eternal life, Great and Wonderful Lord,
God Almighty, Merciful Saviour.

St. Francis Of Assisi

St. Augustine

Lord Jesus, let me know myself and know Thee,
And desire nothing save only Thee.
Let me hate myself and love Thee.
Let me do everything for the sake of Thee.
Let me humble myself and exalt Thee.
Let me think nothing except Thee.
Let me die to myself and live in Thee.
Let me accept whatever happens as from Thee.
Let me banish self and follow Thee,
and ever desire to follow Thee.
Let me fly from myself and take refuge in Thee,
that I may deserve to be defended by Thee.
Let me fear for myself, let me fear Thee,
and let me be among those who are chosen by Thee.
Let me distrust myself and put my trust in Thee.
Let me be willing to obey for the sake of Thee.
Let me cling to nothing save only to Thee,
and let me be poor because of Thee.
Look upon me, that I may love Thee.
Call me that I may see Thee,
And forever enjoy Thee.

St. Augustine

Dear God

2011-08-19T21:26:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the grief of loss is too much. Sometimes I am very sad. When I think about my son, and how I do not see him. How I will not see him much at all. I think about how I am Jacob’s mommy. It is so hard. So hard. I do not talk about how it feels very much, because it is about moving on and surviving. Then, at night when I focus on my baby Jacob, the pain sets in. Very sad tears. I want to see my baby. I want to hold my baby. Why did the best for him have to be so hard for me. I love Jacob, and I did what was best for him. It is so hard on your mom Jacob. I am sad and I miss you baby. I know you are so happy right now, and I know your parents are so happy right now. I am glad that I could give you that life.

God, will you comfort me, as I sit here crying. Will you reassure me that I did your will? I am sad Jesus, and I am grieving loss Father. Help me please. I am sad. I miss him God. Help me get through each moment of grief.

Thank you Father for quieting me. I feel better. I am still sad, but I know that I am not alone in my sadness, and in my grief. You are here with me. Thank you.

Miracle

2011-08-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

"Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort me and restore me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger, Christ in hearts of all that love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger." -St. Patrick

I love this. I need Christ to cover me. I do not want to ever be far away from His will. I need Christ to cover my grief. I need Him to provide my peace and assurance day to day. I get teary thinking of God, and how much I need Him. He is my hope and my future. I have never been able to say that with such earnest sincerity. Jacob was my miracle. He saved my life, and was the beauty created out of all the darkness.

Coincidence?

2011-08-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

I went to get my letter to Jacob laminated and when the Office Mazx employee was working the register after she laminated the letter she looked at me and said "You baby will really appreciated this...I was adopted." When she said this a connection was made, and tears began to come to my eyes. I did not know what to say. I paid and walked away, however I knew I should go back and talk to her some more. So I went back and asked where to find something to put my letter in. As we were walking around the store looking, I asked if her adoption was open...she went on to tell me that she met her birthmom when she was 17 years old. It was a great experience for her, and she told me how grateful she was that her mom gave her the life she did. She told me that I was doing a good thing. This meant a lot. God does cool things. This was awesome. Peace and reassurance that I did the right thing pop out of unexpected places.

Thank you God, and thank you Brooke from Office Max for sharing with me your story.

1st Letter to Patrick and Jenny

2011-08-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

Patrick and Jenny,

Hey guys! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the pictures that you sent me. I look at them all of the time. Jacob is precious, and I have been showing him off to all of my friends. Everybody says he is beautiful and adorable…they are so right! =) I love the pictures of Adeline with him too, and the one of the whole family. It brings me so much joy to know how much happiness that Jacob has brought to your family. The knowledge that you both are so happy and that Jacob is being cared for by such amazing parents helps me cope with the grief. I picture you guys showing him to your friends and family. I think of you both taking turns getting up with him at night, and I think of little Adeline being so excited to be a big sister. Placing Jacob was the hardest thing that I will ever do, but I know that it was best. I am grieving the loss of Jacob, but at the same time I am celebrating the life that I gave him with you. I know that I will be able to get through the really hard times, because I am completely at peace with my decision to place him with you. I am proud and so, so thankful that I was able to place my son into your home. I feel like God handed me your profile book Himself. Even though I am grieving the loss of Jacob, I am also in awe of how God turned my situation into such a beautiful picture of redemption. I cannot express my gratitude towards God and towards you both for being patient and trusting God to provide you with children. I cannot imagine Jacob being raised by anyone else.

There is a student led chapel that JBU does on Sunday nights where students can teach on a scripture or tell a testimony of God’s work. I am planning on speaking at it. I feel convicted to share about how God demonstrated his redeeming power to me. I am amazed at how much he fought for me through my struggle with illness and unplanned pregnancy. I have a new understanding of God’s faithfulness and power. I am so grateful to God for all that He has done for me, and it is hard for me to keep my excitement to myself.

I have sent in all of my application materials for the U of A for the master’s in clinical mental health counseling, so cross your fingers for me to be accepted! =). I am excited to go back to school, and excited to be graduating in December. The wedding of my friend was so much fun! My maid of honor speech went well and everyone laughed at my joke at the beginning:

“When Bethany was looking for her maid of honor, first she called the prettiest girl that she knew but she said no. Then she called the smartest girl that she knew, but she also said no. Then she called me…and I had trouble saying no three times so I said yes.” =)

This verse is has been on my heart and has encouraged me:

Isaiah 43:1-2, 4; 54: 10- “Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are mine. I have called you by name, and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned, nor will the flames hurt you. You are precious in my eyes, because you are honored and I love you…the mountains may depart, the hills be shaken, but my love for you will never leave you and my covenant of peace with you will never be shaken.”

Letter to Jacob

2011-08-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

7-7-2011 (most of this letter was written the night before you were born, but I added some in the days after your birth)

To my dear son Jacob,

I want to write you this letter so that you know how much I care about and love you. I want you to know, straight from me, why I chose adoption for you.

I found out that I was pregnant with you as a junior in college. I was 21 years old. My typical and characteristic behavior is to be ethical, self-controlled, and rational. However, during the months of September-October 2010, I began to behave in a starkly different way than was typical for me. Then in early November, my behavior returned to my normal, and I realized that I had been going through a manic episode for the past weeks. I found out in early November that I had become pregnant as a result of this episode of manic behavior that I had due to my bipolar illness. I had been in a compromising situation, and I was not in a mindset to make great decisions or to remove myself from someone wanting to take advantage of my impaired judgment. Therefore, I found myself in a less than ideal situation. I did not have a relationship with your birth father. I later told him about you, but he chose to not be involved with my pregnancy at all. I was not surprised when he did not want to be involved. I know that is hard to hear, and I apologize for the hurt that this story of conception might cause you to experience.

However, I want you to know that I do not regret your conception at all. God does not make mistakes. He knew and loved you dearly far before you were even created as a small baby in me. I knew that God was forming you into His wonderful and cherished creation, and I was going to be able to carry you and nurture you for nine months. I went to a pregnancy center in town soon after I found out I was pregnant. The nurse there was able to give me an ultrasound when you were just 7 weeks old. I saw your heart beating, and I instantly loved you and wanted to do everything I could to protect and care for you. Those feelings only grew stronger as you continued to grow.

I want to tell you a little about me so that you can know what kind of woman I am. I am the oldest child in my family. I have a brother named Philip who is about 2 years younger than me, and a sister named Holly who is 7 years younger than me. I have wonderful parents that love me and do absolutely all that they can for me. I am a psychology major at a Christian college called John Brown University. I continued to go to school full time throughout my pregnancy from October 2010 – May 2011. I have always been very driven and successful academically. I was the valedictorian in high school, and I have a 3.9 grade point average in college. Actually, I got a 4.0 last semester, so we shared a good academic semester together =). I plan on completing a masters in counseling, and maybe pursuing a PhD in clinical psychology. I put a lot of effort into and am passionate about learning and cultivating the mind. I also love to play sports and be active. Soccer is my favorite sport to play, and I played it all during high school. I also play intramural soccer (and pretty much every other intramural sport) at my college. I enjoy reading and watching movies a lot as well. A book is a beautiful way for people to share stories, experiences, and art with each other. I love experiencing people’s stories. I enjoy getting to know what makes an individual who they are, and trying to understand how others experience the world. I am outgoing and funny (if I do say so myself). I think that humor is a wonderful way to enhance life and to help both yourself and others experience more happiness. Laughter is a gift.

I believe that moral character is important and remaining pure and Christ-like is something to strive for. I have tried to live my life in a way that honors the Lord. I want to live a life that brings glory to God. I want every decision that I make to be in accordance with God’s will. I am so greatful to God for the work that He has done in my life. I am amazed at how much He has fought for me throughout every hardship that I have faced. The Lord brought me out of darkness and redeemed everything. He demonstrated His ability to redeem any situation, and turn it into something beautiful. Jacob, you are a beautiful child that God used in my life. You are such a gift, and such a symbol of redemption to me.

I have an illness that affects my neurotransmitters and has a potential to alter my thinking and behavior. However, there are treatments and medications that I will take and that will allow me to remain in control and healthy. I want to also lead a life that can be an example for you. I will always be your birth mom, and you are always my birth son. Therefore, I want to live a life of example for you. I am excited to receive the updates and pictures as you grow. I want to see what your interests and talents will be. I am excited to know about your personality and your mannerisms. I am also excited to see what blessings and plans God has for your precious life.

As I thought about what kind of life I wanted you to experience, I realized that I desired very much for you to have a life that included both a father and mother that were married and in love. I knew that I was not going to be able to provide that family environment for you. I desired for you to have the absolute best life experience, and I knew that choosing a couple that was deeply in love with each other, financially and mentally prepared to have children, and at a point in their lives where they could provide you with a stable and opportunity filled childhood was best for you. And son, I want nothing but the absolute best for you. As your birth mom, I desired to take care of you to the best of my ability. I wanted to provide a life for you that would be filled with outings with your dad, family vacations, and having a mom and dad cheering for you together in whatever you choose to be involved with. Again, I did not want you to grow up without a father figure and without a two parent home. I also did not want you to miss out on opportunities because of my financial limitations. For these reasons and more, I knew without a doubt, that the best decision that I could make as your mother was to find a family that could provide you with all the things that I was not able to provide. I love you so much, that I chose to give you the best, even though it means that I will experience much grief and loss through it.

I knew that I wanted to find a family that loved and served God, that lived an active lifestyle, and that valued education. I wanted to find a family that shared the same values and had similar wishes for you that I had. I wanted you to grow up in a home that loved the Lord. Having a relationship with Jesus and allowing Him into your life is the most important and best decision that you can make. I wanted to ensure that you would be an environment that would allow you to learn about God early on and that would instill in you a love for the Lord. Education is very important to me, and I wanted to make sure that you would be given the opportunity and the encouragement to excel and grow academically and intellectually. I also, wanted to make sure that you would be able to play sports, travel, and have a multitude of fun experiences. Therefore, I kept these things especially on my mind as I looked for your adoptive parents.

It just so happened that the last family profile I saw was Patrick and Jenny. As I read through their letter and as I read about them and what their values and lifestyle was like, I knew that this was the couple that I wanted for you. Tears were in my eyes as I read through their profile book, because a peace came over me. I felt that God was sitting right with me as I looked at their profile book. At that moment, I felt God’s presence all around me. I knew that His hand was guiding me and helping me through. I began to thank God for showing me your parents. I was so happy that I would be able to place you into this wonderful home. I met them a couple weeks after reading their profile book and it reassured me that these were the people that God would have me choose as your parents. They valued the things that I did. They wished the same things for you as I did. I knew that you would have an incredible life experience with them as your adoptive parents. Respect them son. God and I chose them for you, and they always will have your best interests at heart. I pray that you would develop a strong relationship with both Patrick and Jenny. They have wisdom and will share that wisdom with you as you grow. They love you so much Jacob. You should have seen their faces when they held you for the first time. It was beautiful, and their love is so true and genuine. You are their first son, and they cherish you. I knew that you would be incredibly loved, and provided for. They are incredible people, and I know that they will make incredible parents for you. Also, be nice to your sister =) She loves you so much. I have seen pictures of her holding you, and she is ecstatic to be a big sister and to have a little brother. I am so glad that God brought me to their profile, and orchestrated my meeting with them, and allowed them to become your parents. I know that God had them in His plan to parent you. I am so comfortable and happy with Patrick and Jenny as your parents. As your birth mom, I knew that I was making the parenting choice that was best for you son.

It is 1:30 am on 7-7-11 and you are going to be born around 7:30 am. I cried when I first found out that this would be your birthday. It was special for me to know that, and to imagine myself meeting you on this day. I am excited to see you son. I have treasured these 9 months caring for you. I have wondered what you look like and how big you would be for a long time. Tomorrow is a big day for the both of us. I have been praying for you, and I am ready to meet you. I am excited for you to meet your adoptive parents also. They are wonderful, and absolutely overjoyed to be your parents and to love, nurture, and raise you.

You are precious and extremely loved already, even before you are born. You will continue to be loved through your entire life by me and by your parents Patrick and Jenny. God, in His divine plan for your life, orchestrated your birth and adoption. The story of your birth and adoption is beautiful and redemptive, and I am blessed to be your birth mother, just as I know that Patrick and Jenny are blessed to have adopted you into their family.

I also pray that you would fall in love with Jesus as you mature, and allow Him to provide you with the peace and guidance that only He can provide. He loves you more than we can imagine, and He knows you fully and completely. We can always, always trust Him. I pray that you will always find a refuge within God’s many promises including His promise to never leave you.

I have always and will always love you son.

Your birth mom,

Mallory Culver

Psalm 139:1-18, 23-24

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! It is amazing to think about. Your workmanship is marvelous—and how well I know it. You were there while I was being formed in utter seclusion! You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book! How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly! I can’t even count how many times a day your thoughts turn to me. And when I waken in the morning, you are still thinking of me! Search me, O God, and know my heart; test my thoughts. Point out anything in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Here is a prayer that I found and that I pray for you:

Watch over thy child Jacob, O Lord, as his days increase bless and guide him wherever he may be. Strengthen him when he stands; comfort him when discouraged or sorrowful; raise him up if he fall; and in his heart may Thy peace which passeth understanding abide all the days of his life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Roundtable #2 Father(s)

2011-08-12T12:18:00.000-07:00

Write about the father(s) in your family's open adoption(s).

Open Adoption Bloggers The father of my baby Jacob should not be called father at all. I wish there was a term signifying someone who is biologically related to a child, but does not care one bit for that child. A word meaning a coward and irresponsible guy. A word for someone who denies their child the right to be loved by their biogical father. The "father" of my baby said "I will have nothing to do with this". He did not even fill out the adoption paperwork so that Jacob could know about his paternal side. I am angry at him. However, I just try not to focu on it, and I find peace that I did the right thing despite that jerk.

The adoptive father that I chose is amazing. God could not have provided a better father for Jacob. I could tell he was special when we talked. He always paid his undivided attention to me when I was speaking. I could tell he really cared about me, and that he was deeply grateful for the blessing that I was giving him. I am sooo happy that I could give him a son. I am so happy to think that Jacob will be raised by such an amazing man. He will make a fantastic father, and I am a peace knowing that.

Open Adoption Roundtable #1

2011-08-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

Roundtable #1: Hindsight What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could?

I would tell myself that the reality of the decision will not set in immediately. When I came home from the hospital I do not think that I felt the grief yet. There was so much going on physically with pain, fatigue, and medications that there was not time to sit and think about the life changing even that just occurred. The feelings were dormant for a while.

Now, I am slowly realizing that this will hurt a little for the rest of my life. Yes there is much joy when I think of the life that I gave my son with two loving and wonderful parents. I am proud of my decision, and know that it was the best thing for my baby Jacob. However, there is pain. I will not be there as he grows up and becomes a young man. I only allow myself to cry for certain periods of time. I am processing slowly so I do not get ovewhelmed. Open Adoption Bloggers Roundtable

Doses of Humility

2011-08-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

In 2 Cor. 12 Paul says, " ⁵ I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. "

I can relate to these words quite well with regard to my diagnosis of Bipolar I disorder. I hate this illness. My pride also really hates it. This illness forces me to be humble when I look back at the trouble that I got into and caused whilst I was in an episode of depression or mania. Some of the things that I did are extremely embarrassing and cause to feel much shame. However, I have to realize that shame is not of God. Yes, my past is characterized by severe bouts of mania and depression. Yes these episodes caused my behavior to be strange at best, but because of this vulnerability it allows me to be more real with people. I am not perfect. I need other people to help me. I literally am not safe without people that know about my illness watching me to make sure that my behavior is not becoming abnormal. I have to be humble enough to not be mad when people that love me suspect that I might be about to go into an episode. I cannot be made when they ask me if I am taking my medication. I have to humble myself, and realize that it is in my best interst to show my “weakness” so that I can be safe and healthy. I used to pride myself on my mind and on my ability to be self-sufficient. Well, being Bipolar really hinders someone from being completely self-sufficient. There have to be safe guards built around me to keep me from self-destructing. I cannot hide my moods from people which is what I like to do. I like to seem like I can handle anything. I want to seem strong. And by strong I mean not ever being sad or asking for help, which it actually takes more strength to ask for help and to be vulnerable.

I have to let God show me that He can sustain me through my illness. I have to let others care for me. I cannot be prideful, because my illness is a constant reminder that I need help. It sucks. I get really mad and frustrated when I feel like people are watching me under a microscope and analyzing everything that I do. I do not like feeling like my moods are under investigation, and I definitely do not like being asked about my medication in a suspicious manner. However, this is going to be normal. People juts want to help me. I am having to really learn how to drop my pride, and realize these things are done with the best intentions. It is a picture of how much I need to rely on God for support and protection. I need to fall on His love and grace. I really am weak, but God is sooo strong. He is big enough to cover my illness. My pride need to be destroyed in order for me to fully give myself over to the grace of God.

The Gathering Speech

2011-08-10T10:46:00.001-07:00

The Gathering: Mallory Culver

“For sin has played many evil tricks upon us, and one has been the infusing into us a false sense of shame. There is hardly a man or woman who dares to be just what he or she is without doctoring up the impression. The fear of being found out gnaws like rodents within their hearts.” –W. Tozer

“Faith draws the poison from every grief; takes the sting from every loss, and quenches the fire of every pain; and only faith can do it” Josiah Gilbert Holland

“I knew there was only one place to go. I sank down into the center of my soul, grew still, and listened to the Rabbi’s heartbeat.” –Brennan Manning

Introduction:

I will say something very similar to “Hello, my name is Mallory” =). Then I will state that I am from Springdale, Arkansas. I will reveal that I have been studying psychology and will be graduating in December. My post-grad plan is pursuing a M.S. in counseling at the U of A. I would like to begin by showing some pictures of my family and my friends. They are important, because God worked through them in order for me to have an abundance of prayer, support, and love throughout the rockiest parts of my life.

Then, I would pray before starting to talk about my story.

I will be focusing on four major segments with each representing formative experiences. Here is a short outline of the parts:

The first segment will be the shortest. I will talk about the rather smooth, calm, and blissful beginning of my life.

The second segment will begin during my senior year of high school and will be the 2^nd to shortest part. This will be when I talk about my first depression.

The third segment will be tied for the longest with the 4^th segment. This will be where I discuss what my experience has been like since being diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder in July of 2009.

The fourth segment will be where I tell the story of how my second major manic episode led to the conception of my son Jacob. Also, I will talk about my process through open adoption.

Now here is a more detailed outline of those experiences and how God carried me through each one.

1. I was born as the first daughter to amazing Christian parents. I grew up going to church, and was taught about the love of Christ throughout my childhood. I attended a Christian school from K-12. When I was 7 years old, I remember lying in bed thinking about how I was a sinner and needed to ask Jesus to forgive me. I prayed to myself that night and asked God to forgive me of my sins. I asked Jesus to enter my heart and I thanked Him for the gift of salvation. After I prayed, I ran into the living room and told my mom that Jesus had saved me and I put my hand up for a high-five…I think Jesus high-fived with us too. I was a very excited 7 year old that night. As I grew up with the word of God being taught from all sides (school, church, home), I developed a passion for learning about the character of God. The more knowledge I gained about God, the more excited I became about serving Him in everything that I did. I was a girl who memorized all of the bible verses, knew the words to all of the worship songs, and volunteered to pray at any opportunity. I truly loved God and had a genuine excitement for learning about Him and being in His presence. I especially enjoyed Christian camps. I went to New Life Ranch with my church throughout elementary school. Then I went as a camper there from 6^th grade to 11^th grade. I also served as a counselor there for 2008-2009. My spiritual life was greatly influenced by my time at New Life Ranch. I was a part of a Christian community like I had never experienced anywhere else. The passion of the hope of Christ saturated that place and within the people there. I learned what it was to have an authentic relationship with the Lord. I developed an urgency to share the incredible gift of salvation with everyone. This firm grounding in faith in Jesus Christ would sustain me through the next parts of my life that were plagued with abuse, illness, and grief. Even when I tried very hard to not believe in a benevolent God (and Satan did cause me to believe many lies about God abandoning me and being false), the solid faith from my first 18 years of life was too strongly rooted into me that I did not walk away from Christianity. There were virtually no periods of crisis during this first part of my life, which allowed me to not be distracted much from my pursuit of the Lord. I believe that God was preparing me for what I would be facing during early adulthood. He protected me from distractions and I had time to develop a solid faith.

Paul wrote this to the church in Thessalonica “Brothers and sisters, whom the Lord loves, God chose you from the beginning to be saved. So we must always thank God for you. You are saved by the Spirit that makes you holy and by your faith in the truth. God used the Good News that we preached to call you to be saved so you can share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. So, brothers and sisters stand strong and continue to believe the teachings we gave you in our speaking and in our letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father encourage you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say. God loved us, and through his grace he gave us a good hope and encouragement that continues forever.” -2 Thess. 2:13-17

I was chosen by God. I heard the Good News of Christ, and I was called into salvation at 7 years old. In the second part of this passage Paul said to “stand strong and continue to believe the teachings” and that is what I was able to do throughout the next years. In retrospect I view these years as being strengthened by God. The hope that God really was with me remained (albeit sometimes a very weak hope) through my most extreme bouts with darkness.

2. As I went through an education at my Christian school, I developed a strong desire to be the best student. I loved learning, and I was good at being a student. I received A’s in every class from Kindergarten to my senior year. I dreamt of being the valedictorian before I was even in high school. Being intelligent became a strong part my identity. I had a great respect for the mind and its capacity for gaining knowledge. I also was devoted to creating close, honest relationships with people. I enjoyed being in community. It was important for me to be really known by other people, and I loved allowing people to be transparent with me as well. I was a very open person at this point.

Then, quite out of the blue, I began to feel incapable of being in relationship with people and accomplishing anything. I had always ever been confident in my ability to succeed in school and in life. However, during the first semester of my senior year, without any death, loss, or event causing it, I entered into a debilitating depression. My mind was completely blocked and empty. I remember trying to write a paper and writing the same sentence over and over again, because I could not get a single word to sound right. I remember even the simplest assignments seemed utterly overwhelming and impossible. I never wanted to speak or leave my bed again for the rest of my life. I pleaded with my parents to let me stop going to high school. Everything from picking an outfit to wear, to engaging in conversation with anyone was an incredibly daunting task. Everything that I had been confident in about myself was gone. The world was a dark and hopeless place. This lasted for about a month. The depression then turned into a sort of paranoid aggravation. I wanted people to leave me alone, because I knew more than they did. My parents had me see a counselor that I did not want to see at all. I thought that no one could tell me anything that I did not already know. I saw her a few times. Each time I thought I was so clever by playing the part of a patient and saying the responses that I thought she wanted to hear. She prescribed me an anti-depressant medication. I hated the idea of taking medicine for anything psychiatrically related. I did not understand what a pill could do for my matter of thought and feeling. However, to appease my family and the counselor I took it. Then after a while it was as if the skies cleared, the rain stopped, and once I took my umbrella down to look around everything in my world had been restored to its original place. I was once again confident in my intellectual ability, and able to invest back into my friendships. I shrugged that depression off as a normal teenage occurrence. But I later found out that this was my first bipolar depression.

The second semester of my senior year in high school was fine. I felt close to God and to others. I succeeded in my goal of being valedictorian, and I had decided to attend JBU to obtain a bachelor’s degree in psychology. I chose psychology because I loved being a counselor at camps, and I was already a student of behavior. I tended to analyze people’s mannerisms, words, and actions. I loved trying to figure out why people were the way that they were. So, psychology seemed like the obvious choice.

3. I was the typical super SUPER excited freshman student. I was so ready to go to a new school, and meet new people. I had just completed my first summer as a full time counselor at New Life Ranch, and I was filled with excitement about God and about life in general. During orientation and the first weeks of school, I honestly think I made a billion friends. I would apologize to anyone that I might have annoyed or scared by being super happy, eccentric, and obnoxious. My hall of Koinonia that year was amazing. As that year progressed, I grew very close with the girls that were also living on that hall. We had ridiculous amounts of fun together, and I could tell that these girls were important. They proved to be very important the next year. So my freshman year at JBU was fantastic. I made many friends and did well in my classes. My God was exciting, present, and faithful. I loved worship services and I loved the idea of “community”. Christianity was easy to embrace and everything was clear and certain about having faith in a benevolent God.

Then, the summer after freshman year came and changed everything.

I was a counselor again at camp. I loved it. Then around the 3^rd week of camp I began to stop being tired, and I did not sleep. My thoughts became very fast and out of order. I was unable to rest my mind. I started to feel like demons were everywhere. I would not be able to sleep inside, because I felt the presence of demons hovering over everyone’s bed. So, I would go outside and sleep. I began to think that I was like the prophet Jeremiah, because I could see signs from God in nature and by sleeping outside. I remember one night I felt so tormented by demonic forces that I just laid on the floor shaking unable to move. For days I did not sleep at all, and then I would sleep for about 4 hours and be totally wide awake and filled with an uncomfortable amount of energy. My boss noticed these changes in my behavior and took me to the nurse. She gave me some sleeping medicine to try and calm me down. I did not sleep but I was able to be still and lie in bed. I ended up leaving camp because I was so exhausted and unstable. I became very paranoid going home. I felt like my family was out to get me, and they were not safe to be around. One day I tried to drive away from my family and I called 911. On the phone I was just saying nonsense and started to hyperventilate. The lady told me to pull over, and an ambulance picked me up soon after. I was taken to the hospital where the doctors were convinced I had just taken some intense drugs. But I had not, and after I had received IVs for saline I was calm enough to leave. This was my first manic episode.

I had seen a counselor my freshman year for a class assignment, and I went back to see her a few days after leaving camp. She talked to me and asked if I would check myself into a mental health facility. I said yes because I wanted to get away from my family.

So I was assessed by the people at the facility and was admitted as a patient. At this point, I did not think anything was wrong with me. While in the hospital, I still was unable to sleep at night, because I was startled by every noise. I was scared of sleeping. I would lie in the hallway to try and feel safe. I would go into a recreation room where there were pastels and paper. I would draw pictures and felt very inspired with art. I would go the piano, and I had never played piano before, but I counted all of the keys and gave them a number. Then I would listen to the sound and figure out songs. I would then write the number of the keys so that I could remember how to play songs. After two days of being there I wanted to leave. Since I had admitted myself I could technically leave. They told me I would be leaving against medical advice, but I did not care at all. I was going to find a gas station and get someone to drive me to Oklahoma and start a new life away from everyone I knew. My parents got a court order for me to stay in the mental health facility because I was ruled a threat to myself. I felt like I was Paul in the bible because I was in prison, and I felt like I was Daniel because I would not take the medicine they wanted me to take like he did not eat the meat that he was given. I felt like I would be on the news, because I was imprisoned for no reason. However, eventually I began to take the medication, and my condition began to become more stable. I did not hate my family anymore, and I was able to sleep. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder during that July 2009. (Here I will probably explain the diagnostic criteria for this illness a little).

"Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide." –Kay Jamison

"If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?" –Kay Jamison

"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality." –Kay Redfield Jamison (She has Bipolar disorder, and went on to get a Ph.D. and do amazing work on the research of mood disorders. Author of An Unquiet Mind among a number of other books.)

I went home after a little over a week of inpatient treatment. The reality of my diagnosis had not really hit me yet. I was not really bothered by it, and did not think about it much. If anything I thought it was cool and interesting. Then, when school started a few months later, the reality of living with a mental illness hit me. I was embarrassed by my diagnosis and I felt like people would not understand me. I thought everyone held the view that bipolar is a person being happy one second and sad the next, which is incredibly incorrect and minimizes the severity of the illness. I hated taking the medication every day. It would give me headaches, tremors, and caused weight gain. I always tried to hide the medication from everyone. I could not feel God’s presence in my life. I would cry a lot, and beg God to comfort me. But comfort never came. My identity was totally destroyed. I felt betrayed by my mind, and I felt separated from everyone. How could anyone be close to me if I had this illness? I felt betrayed by God since He seemed to be MIA when I needed Him most. I was confused as to when I was acting like myself and when I was in the midst of a manic or depressive episode. I had experienced paranoid delusions, hallucinations, and delusions of grandeur among other things. I was terrified of anyone to know this about my past. My illness caused me to believe that I could never be truly known or accepted by anyone again. This semester was characterized by a struggle to accept and understand this illness. Also, I struggled to figure out where God was in the wake of a diagnosis like mine. I was not normal anymore. Who was Mallory now? I was struggling to find a new identity that included my Bipolar diagnosis.

4. My feelings toward my illness were better by the end of the Spring of 2010. I was not as tormented by it. I was still not completely at ease, but I was more ok than I had been. That summer I worked at a mental health facility with adolescents that had mental and/or behavioral disorders. I loved this job. I did not divulge my diagnosis to anyone, but I knew better how to work with people that also had mental illnesses. I especially enjoyed working with at risk youth. This summer is when I realized that I would like to pursue a career working with at risk youth.

In the Fall of 2010, I was ready for school to begin. I love to learn, and I liked my classes. I had started a new medication, because my old one had too many side effects. During the month of August I had trouble remembering to take it. I would take it for a couple days, and then forget for a few days. So in late August my mood started to change. I began to be very agitated with life. I started to want to hurt myself. I was so frustrated. I felt stuck inside of myself. I was mentally tormented by my place in life. I started to do anything that I could think of that was self-destructive. I was angry. I would cut myself. I would not eat much and make myself throw up, not to lose weight, but just because I knew it was negative to my body. I remember taking long walks and thinking about jumping in front of oncoming trucks. I remember looking at all my medications and thinking about taking all the pills at once. This went on for a while, until a few weeks into September.

So, in the beginning of September I started to feel like I was above everyone. I was annoyed by many people, and I felt like I knew so much more than everyone. I had never had a desire to “party” or drink alcohol before, but pretty suddenly I began to go to parties every weekend. I would drink an excessive amount, and become very drunk on every Friday and Saturday. When I was at school I started to hate everyone at JBU. I hated chapel, because I thought these people had no idea what they were doing. How did they know that God was a relational being? They were just mindless people using God as an excuse to handle the difficult parts of life. Faith was not a sufficient answer for me anymore. There was no proof at all that God was involved in the dealings of mankind. I began to think more like a deist. I continued to get super drunk every weekend. By late September I had no concept of danger. My behavior was erratic, and out of control. I had no judgment, and I was completely irrational. Sometimes guys at these parties would take advantage of my lack of judgment. I felt invincible and I acted in accordance with this belief. I was going through a manic episode. I do not remember everything, but I do remember being carried away by guys on more than one occasion. I would leave with whoever asked me, and go to wherever they took me no questions asked. I would not tell anyone where I was going or that I was leaving. The times where I would say anything to the effect of no did not stop anyone from having sex with me. Other times I was too far gone to even realize what was happening.

Then, I remember one night I was at a party and I started to wonder why I was there. I did not want to be there, and I was not having a good time. In the days that followed, my desire to drink and party was gone. My burning hatred for JBU and everyone in it dissipated. I felt a HUGE rush of relief. It is hard to explain the feeling after this manic episode was over. It is such a weight lifted, and everyone is new and calm again. For about two weeks, I was so happy to be back in my right mind.

Then, I found out that I was pregnant. My friend was with me when I took the test. After it showed that I was pregnant, we sat in silence. It was quiet, and tears started to run down my face. I was terrified. I was about to start my first semester as a senior, and I was pregnant. I became very mad at God. I did not even know who the father was at this point. I tried to remember who the last guy was. I did not know how to contact him. I found him on facebook through a picture from a party. I told him that I was pregnant and he was the father and I will never forget what he wrote back. He said “you will probably not like this answer, but I will have nothing to do with this.” And I never saw him again. I was hurt because my baby would not have a birthfather that cared at all. How could God have let this happen to me? I had just suffered through a manic episode and after coming out of it and being at peace for two weeks, I was pregnant. I remember yelling at God and asking Him why He made it so hard for me to love Him. I started to think about what I was going to do. I remember thinking that I wish I was one of the people who would be okay with getting an abortion. That would make things so much easier. But I knew that I would not be able to live with myself if I made that decision. I wanted to go to New Beginnings to get another test and to talk to a nurse there. I did not want to go by myself, so I asked from friends but they couldn’t make it. So I first found out if people got kicked out of school for being pregnant. After finding out that they didn’t, I asked my RD to go with me. We had been very close during my years at JBU. So, we went to the pregnancy center. I talked with a nurse/counselor there and she explained my options. She mentioned adoption and asked if I was open to that option at all. I said that I was, and she then told me that she usually does not tell people this but she had placed her first son adoption. She gave me informational pamphlets for two agencies. I left that appointment not knowing what to do. I do not like letting anyone see me cry, because I felt like crying was weakness, and I did not want to be weak. So, I drove to the park and got in the back seat and started to weep. I read the information. I believe that the Holy Spirit began to lead me to adoption. I called the number to one of the agencies and set up an appointment to meet the local agency worker.

I met with the agent. I thought that this was definitely the best option for my baby. I believe that having a father is very important, and I could not provide that. Also, I was not in a place financially to support a child with all that I thought he deserved. I wanted to provide my baby with the best living condition that I could. After the initial shock reaction from my parents, they became supportive of me. They knew I was affected by my illness, and I was not fully in control of my actions. They also supported my decision to place my baby for adoption. I thought about leaving JBU for that next semester, but then decided that it was better to stay. As the semester went on, and I could see ultrasound pictures and found out that it was a boy. My love for him just grew and grew. I would cry myself to sleep a lot. I knew that adoption was best, but it would be so hard for me emotionally. This was my first baby. Since, my love for my son was so strong, I stopped caring what anyone thought or said about me at school. It did not matter, because I knew that my son mattered so much. I was not ashamed of him.

I continued to see the pregnancy center nurse throughout my pregnancy and she was an amazing support for me. She knew what I was going through and what I would be going through. I was worried about finding the right family for my son. She reassured me that God would provide that family and I would be completely at peace with. I had trouble believing this. I thought that I would find a family that I was okay with, but not one that would fit my idea of the family in my head. Then, the last family profile that I saw was them. As I read the first page, I started to tear up. They matched my idea perfectly. I felt like God’s hand had just handed me that book. I had not felt God’s presence that close in such a long time. That was a turning point for me.

So, my due date approached and we found out that I would need a c-section. I found out that my son’s birthday would be 7-7-11. I cried when I found that out, it was becoming so real. My son was born at 7:22 that morning. He was named Jacob by the adoptive parents. He was so precious. I was so happy to finally meet him. I was happy to see his face. I loved him so much. I spent about a day and half with him, and then he left with his family. I love his family, they were always so kind and supportive of me. This was the hardest thing that I will ever do. They told me that they will never be able to thank me enough. I felt like all the prayers that were being said for me gave me the strength to hand them to his parents that day. God was with me, and strengthening me.

I went home, and the process of living with an open adoption began. I am so at peace with what I did, and I knew I was the best mom I could be for Jacob, because I gave him a great life. However, I am grieving a great loss. I still do love him so much. I think about him every day. I will receive pictures updates monthly, and I told the family that I would like to schedule a visit in about a year. I wrote a letter to Jacob explaining why I chose adoption for him, and that I love him so much.

God showed me His ability to redeem everything. This situation of being pregnant due to a manic episode, turned into the beautiful birth of a child and for a couple to be blessed with their first son. Everything dark had turned into something beautiful. God is incredible, and I am still amazed at how deeply my Savior loves me. I feel like God carried me through this. I have to rely on His love every day to get through. Some days are harder than others, and in every moment I have to fall into the grace and presence of my Lord. I am constantly amazed at God’s faithfulness in my life. I can do nothing else but have gratitude to the God that saved me. Every day I grow more captivated with Jesus. I have a new understanding of the sacrifice that God made for me with Jesus having to die. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be not only to say goodbye to one’s son, but to allow him to be die a horrible death. I believe that God cares about me again. I had so much of a struggle believing that amidst everything. It is such a simple concept, but it was so hard for me to accept it. I cannot express how amazing it is to come out of so much darkness to realize that see that God protected me and provided a way out. Satan had me believing that I was untouchable. He made me believe that I could never be known or loved again. God dispelled these lies from my heart. Satan was defeated in my life. I am so excited to talk about how God redeemed everything in my life. Yes, there will always be a pain involved with the placing of my son for adoption, but also there is joy that God provided a way for Jacob to experience a wonderful life with a stable and complete household. God placed people and circumstances in my life that served kind of like those trampoline guards that make sure people don’t bounce out on the ground. Or like the guards on the side of the bowling lane thing. He brought me through and I am more in love with Him that I ever have been. God illuminated all the darkness that characterized the past 3 years of my life. He demonstrated his redeeming power to me. I am amazed at how much he fought for me through illness, abuse, and confusion. I have a new understanding of God’s faithfulness and power. As Nehemiah put it “The joy of the Lord is my strength”.

"O could I tell, ye surely would believe it!
O could I only say what I have seen!
How should I tell or how can ye receive it,
How, till He bringeth you where I have been?"

-April 9 utmost for his highest

"Everything to Me"

2011-08-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

I watched this video many many many times throughout my pregnancy, and I listen to it many times now after I placed for adoption. It is called "Everything to Me" by Mark Schultz. He was adopted. He is singing this song to his birth mother. It is very encouraging and powerful to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPYaRJOWznk&ob=av2e

Jacob and I go home.

2011-08-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

The next morning (Friday)I got to see Jacob at around 10 a.m. ish. I would be with him until he left at around 12:30 p.m. Before he was about to leave, I asked to change his clothes to go home in. My adoption worker went to get the clothes from the parents and brought them over. I changed my son into this cute white outfit lined with blue thread. It came with a matching cap as well. Jacob looked beautiful and precious. He was so fragile. He was my treasure. He was his new parent’s treasure.

And he is a treasure to us all still.

Then, it was time for me to hand him to his parents. Then it was time for Jacob to leave. Then it was time to kiss my baby, and say goodbye. My adoption worker asked my dad to pray. He did and we all were crying. I told the parents how I was happy for them and how I was comfortable with them. They told me how much of a blessing I was and how they cannot thank me enough. They had always been incredibly supportive, encouraging, and kind to me. They gave me a present. It was a bracelet with the scripture 1 Cor. 13:13 engraved on it “And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” I gave them the present that I had bought for Jacob. It was a teddy bear and a blanket that said “Thank Heaven for little boys.” Then I gave Jacob to them, and they left together.

I truly believe that the many prayers that were being said for me equipped with an extra amount of strength to be able to hand my son to his new parents. God provided me with the strength and courage to do the best thing for my baby boy. I believe in the power of prayer a lot more now. For the rest of the hospital stay a few more friends came to see me and many of them bringing the sweetest gifts and cards for me. I felt very, very loved. God showed me His ability to redeem everything. This situation of being pregnant due to a manic episode, turned into the beautiful birth of a child and for a couple to be blessed with their first son. Everything dark had turned into something beautiful. God is incredible, and I am still amazed at how deeply my Savior loves me.

I stayed another night in the hospital. I left the hospital at around 2 p.m. on Saturday. When I arrived home, I was exhausted. I remember that my mom had put together a care package for me. It was on my bed. It had a Stevie Nicks CD, because I love her. It had awesome fluffy house shoe flip flops. It had a shirt and a headband. It had money to forever 21 and Dillards. It was great.

I was tired, it still hurt quite a bit to move. I did not cry for a few days. The grief had not really hit me yet. I was just going from moment to moment. Like stop animation or something. My life as a birth mother had begun. Time to adjust to a new normal.

Meeting Jacob.

2011-08-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

I found out that I would definitely be getting a C-section. This was due to a surgery that I had when I was six months old. The doctors scheduled my C-section for July 7, 2011. I remember crying when I got home, because I knew what my son’s birthday would be. I knew that I would be meeting my baby boy on this day. I knew that this was all really, really happening. The time was here. 7-7-11 is such a beautiful birthday. 7-7. Seven is God’s number and my favorite number as well. How perfect that he would be born on a day of sevens. I had spent these past months writing to my son, praying for my son, looking at pictures of my son, and thinking about the life that my son would have with this family.

Now it was time to meet him. Now it was time to do the hardest thing that I will ever have to do. Now it was time to trust God more than ever. I would soon place my son into the arms of his new parents and see him leave for his new life.

I was scheduled to go to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. on the 7^th. The surgery was scheduled for 7:30 a.m. I had my sister take pictures of me the night before I went into surgery. I wanted to document my last night that I would have my son kicking around in my belly. I wanted to remember what I looked like while carrying my son. I wanted to make sure to remember. That night I also wrote a letter to my son. I wrote about why I chose adoption for him. I wrote about my love for him. I wrote about my hopes and dreams for him. I wrote about how I had been so excited to find his parents. I wrote about our story together.

Morning came quickly. I took a shower, grabbed the bag that I packed for the hospital, and got into the car. My dad drove my mom and I over. I was nervous. They were going to cut my tummy open. I had never had major surgery before (apart from the two when I was 6 months old).

I went into the pre-op room. I began to shake a little due to fear. It did not help that someone in the curtained off area next to mine sounded like they were coughing up both of their lungs at the same time. As the nurse worked to get me ready for surgery, I began to become very uneasy and uncomfortable. I felt like I was burning up, and I felt like I could not lie on that bed anymore. My mom knew that I was feeling this way, and she came to put my hair in a ponytail. After my hair was back, I began to feel cooler and calmer. Then I was being taken back to the operation room. I was nervous about the epidural. The anesthesiologist was a warm and confident woman. Her presence of being was comforting. She seemed very confident in her work. The shot was administered, and I was laid down. Then the creepiest thing ever began to happen. I no longer could feel anything below my head. My doctor asked me three times the question, “Can you feel that?” I did not feel “it” all three times. To this day I do not know what he was doing to test my sensation. I might try to look it up later, but I also might not because if I have more children I will get other C-sections. Knowing what the doctors do to test might freak me out or something. I heard my anesthesiologist tell me that the incision was made, and shortly after that my mom came in and sat next to my head. She held my hand while they worked to get my baby. Then, I heard my son’s cry. I smiled. My mom had to leave when the baby left. I remained in the operating room while they put me back together again. Then I was moved into the recovery room. It was here that I realized that the sensation in my legs and lower half was still MIA. It was creeping me out haha. The nurses would ask if I could wiggle my toes and I could not wiggle a single toe. I decided to no longer attempt to move my legs, because trying to move them to no avail was super weird. After what seemed like a long time, I was finally able to be moved into the room where my family was.

When my son was brought in, my mom put him in my arms. I looked at my son for the first time. He was precious and wonderful. He was exhausted from his big day. I asked my adoption worker when the couple I chose would be here. I was excited for them to meet their new son too. She said that they would be there around 1-2 pm. I had my son at 7:22 a.m. and he weighed 7 lbs 7 oz. I asked her what his name would be, and she said the couple had chosen Jacob to be his name. I loved that name. Here was my precious son Jacob born on 7/7/11 at 7:22 a.m. weighing 7lbs 7oz. =)

We started to take many pictures with him and of him. I sent pictures of him to all of my good friends. I was a proud mom, and I wanted to show my son to the people that I loved and cared about. It was hard for me to hold him, because it hurt to move. However, it was wonderful to have him finally here.

My aunt came to visit around 10 a.m. and that was cool. She saw him and talked to my mom and I. Then later in the afternoon Jacob’s parents arrived and I was excited. They saw their new baby boy and they were overjoyed. It was an awesome moment. After a while, they took Jacob into the room in the hospital where they were staying. They brought him back at around 6:30 p.m.because two of my friends were visiting, and they wanted to see my son. It was awesome to have my friends see my baby. It was so sweet that they came to see me. They brought me flowers, sour candy, goldfish, and a store gift card (many of my favorite things). Then after they left, Jacob’s parents came back to have him stay with them for the night.

I did not sleep much that night. It is hard to sleep when there are loud contraptions on your legs, and when you are hooked up to blood pressure machines and IVs. Also, it is difficult to sleep when you cannot move. The most uncomfortable thing to me was this finger squishing device. I was so happy when they finally took that puppy off later the next day. When they finally did, my finger was literally flat. Don’t worry, it went back to normal after a few minutes. The night was ok though because nurses came to check on me every hour or couple of hours. I could look forward to them coming in and talking to me a bit. They would refill my cup of ice chips too. Then for the rest of the night I just kinda laid there. Nothing had been sad yet. We were all together. My son, my son’s parents, and my family. This is was right.

The next day would be harder.

Finding my Son's Family

2011-08-01T20:11:00.001-07:00

I had told my RD that I was pregnant. Unmarried sexual intercourse was against the JBU code of conduct, so I had to meet with the dean. He told me that I would no longer be allowed to live on campus. My choices for the second semester beginning in January of 2011 were to live at home, or live with a faculty member that would allow me to stay in their home. I was angry, VERY angry. I felt betrayed by my RD and betrayed by the school. I wanted the dean to understand that this pregnancy was not caused by my moral bankruptcy consciously promiscuous lifestyle. I wanted everyone to understand that I was manic, and that my judgement was biologically impaired. However, I eventually began to stay with a local family that lived in Siloam. This family was extremely kind, and I was encouraged by a few conversations with the woman who lived there and worked at JBU. However, living at this house also separated me from people and events of JBU. I was alone more that second semester. This was not actually totally a bad thing, as I felt like being alone a lot. I liked the quiet and the solitude. I had a lot to think about. Also, it was a convenient place to cry, because I did not have to be conscious of someone seeing me. I do not like crying in front of people. I also do not like being held or comforted while I cry. I prefer to get my extreme crying out alone. People can talk to me and comfort me when I am not crying.

Since that first meeting with the pregnancy center nurse/worker (I will call her Kay), I met with her weekly throughout that whole semester. She gave me two ultrasounds. The first was when I was about 8 weeks, and I saw the blip of a heartbeat of my son for the first time. She was able to speak with me about my process and she provided advice for me as I prepared for the most difficult thing that I would ever do. I also met with the adoption worker a few times throughout the semester as well. I began the grieving process long before my son was born.

I started a journal in which I wrote letters as if to my son. I wrote about how much I loved him, I wrote about when I had ultrasounds, and I wrote to him about how I knew God had a great plan for his life. I wrote about how I would find amazing parents for him. I wrote about how excited I was to meet him. I wrote about how hard it was for me to do this. Kay had told me about how placing her son had been redemptive for her. She knew that God orchestrated the events of her adoption plan for her son. I remember hoping that I would have a peace about my decision of adoption, but it was difficult to imagine what it would be like.

Remarkably, since the beginning of my pregnancy, my mood and behavior remained very stable. I had remained on my medication throughout the pregnancy. I earned all A’s that semester and did not experience any episodes of mania or depression. However, I did experience morning sickness for the entire pregnancy. I remember having to leave class, walk to the bathroom, throw up, and then go back to class…haha. I remember sitting in class and feeling my little baby kicking and moving around. I remember walking across the quad and feeling like every gust of wind produced an announcement to everyone that said “Hey look at that girl’s pregnant belly!” I will say that after I had seen ultrasounds in which I seen the form of my precious boy, the thoughts of other people ceased to matter to me. Even my own sickness, and pain related to the pregnancy was tolerable, because the most important thing was that my baby was safe and healthy. I was not ashamed of him. I felt strong, and I felt like I had a great purpose that I was accomplishing above everything that was horribly difficult to handle. I was carrying a precious child that was fearfully and wonderfully made by God. I knew that this child would bless me along with a family that was relying on God to provide them with a child.

When the semester ended I moved back home. I was anxious to begin looking at family profiles. I was eager to find the couple that would raise my son. I was looking for a family that loved the Lord. It was also very important for me to find a couple that maintained a healthy and active lifestyle. The other very important thing that I wanted to find in a family was that education was a priority for them. I wanted these things in a couple, because I wanted my son to love the Lord, be healthy and active, and to be instilled with a value and passion for education. I also wanted them to be comfortable with an open adoption relationship. From the very beginning of my pregnancy, I knew without a doubt, that I was going to have an open adoption. I love my son too much to go my whole life without knowing how he was doing and without meeting him. Therefore, I requested to have a family that would send letters and pictures, and that would allow me to schedule visits periodically. I wanted to make sure that my son knew that I loved him, and I wanted to be able to see how he grew and changed.

The first day that I went in to look for families I saw five books. Two of them seemed pretty good to me. The one that I liked the most ended up being chosen by a birth mom who had her baby that day. The other family was just okay to me. I did not have a great joy and peace about that family. I left that meeting feeling nervous and discouraged. I thought that I might not be able to find a family that absolutely fit the criteria that I wanted for my son. I texted Kay, and she reassured me that God would show me the family that was right. I was not so confident.

However, about a week later my adoption worker told me that there was one new book to look at. I was excited to go and see. Once I read the letter that preceded the pictures in their book, I felt a peace come over me. Within their opening letter they had mentioned their love for God, their emphasis on education, and their healthy and active lifestyle. Then, it just got better as I read about the father, and the mother, and their first adopted daughter. They had already begun a college fund and they had pictures of all the trips and activities that they participate in. Tears came to my eyes because I was so overjoyed. I had found the family that fit everything that I had wanted for my baby. At that moment, I felt God’s hand in my life more strongly than I had ever felt before. I could almost see his fingerprints on the book itself. It was so real and so intense of a feeling of God’s provision. I was moved. I immediately began to thank God for showing me that this was going to be a beautiful thing. I thanked him for showing me this family that was meant to raise my baby boy. I was filled with absolutely assurance that I was walking along the path that God had laid out for this part of my life. I felt carried by God. I felt confident that God would give me the strength to get through this.

I met this couple about a week and a half after viewing their profile book. This meeting reassured me that they were the right family. I felt a comfort with them and a familiarity like I had known them all along. Maybe it was because they fit the picture that I had in my mind about the family that would raise my baby. Even as I type this, I am amazed at how perfectly God orchestrated the discovery of my son’s parents. It was truly an act of God. If it had not happened to me, I would doubt that it was possible and think that it was an exaggeration. Seriously though, this family was everything that I hoped and pictured. I was excited for them, and excited for the life that my son would have with them.

Choosing Adoption

2011-08-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

Once the light turned back on in my head, and I had thoughts again, I was terrified. How could this have happened to me? Who goes from suffering though a terrible bout with mania to come out on the other side with an unplanned pregnancy as a consolation prize? I remember wishing that I could go through with an abortion. I remember wanting to be one of the women who was comfortable with terminating their pregnancy. However, I knew in my heart that I would NEVER again be able to live with myself knowing that I had ended the life of an innocent and wonderfully created child.

What would I do? Who would I tell? What about school? What about my family? What about the future? What about the father…wait a second….who even is the father?

I began to plan out what I would do. I was afraid that if my school found out that I was pregnant, I would be kicked out. Once I found out that I would not be kicked out, I told the resident director of my dorm because we were pretty close. I basically told her because I needed someone to go to the local crisis pregnancy center with me, and none of my other friends were available to go that day. So she drove me over to the center. They gave me another pregnancy test. I went to wait in a room. A nurse/pregnancy counselor came in a moment later and sat down in a chair across from me. She said that the pregnancy test was positive. While I had taken two positive tests before this, it seemed very final being said from a nurse at a pregnancy center. I began to cry again, and my RD was crying too but holding back pretty well in order to calm me down. The pregnancy counselor began to discuss with me my options. When she asked if I was open to the idea of adoption I said yes. Then she said something that was very important and something that I know God orchestrated. She said, “I do not usually share this, but I am a birth mother.” Now, at that time I had never heard the term birth mother before, so in my head I was thinking “what does that mean?” She went on to explain that she had placed her first son for adoption 22 years ago. Unknown to me at the time, this woman would become an incredible blessing for me as I began the process of open adoption a few weeks later.

She gave me two pamphlets with information about two different adoption agencies. My RD and I left the center. I had an appointment for an ultrasound a few days later.

I remember looking at dates and trying to piece together who the father of this baby was. Then, I figured out who he was. I basically only knew his name. I remember with this particular guy that I had tried to tell him no, but I was not lucid enough to be able to get up and leave. We were in someone’s house. I do not even know where that house is or whose house it was. I was able to contact him by text. I told him I was pregnant and that he was the father. I will never forget what he sent back to me: “You will probably not like this response, but I will have nothing to do with this.” It was not like I really expected him to be incredibly supportive, but I also had not really expected a response like that. Later on facebook he told me to get an abortion. I hurt because my baby did not have a father that loved or cared.

I remember getting into my jeep, and driving to the nearest park. I stopped the car, and climbed into the backseat. I read the adoption information brochure. After I had read the entire booklet, I laid down and began to sob. I cried the most severely that I had ever cried in my entire life. I was so sad. I was so hurt. I was so scared. I was so uncertain. I felt betrayed and rejected by God. I felt utterly alone.

However, even at this time I believe that the still small voice of the Holy Spirit was leading me to adoption. When I had regained composure, I drove back to my dorm. I wrote down the number of Bethany Christian Services and called. They connected me with the local Bethany worker and we talked. She was very kind and we planned to meet with each other. At this time, only my friend who bought the first pregnancy tests with me, and my RD knew that I was pregnant. Within the next few months my parents were told, and a few other friends and family members. Each person that I trusted to tell my story to was supportive and kind to me. This situation caused me to share about my bipolar disorder since that is what caused this pregnancy essentially (that and the jerk who took advantage of me). It was so scary every time I shared about my situation. I had told almost no one at school that I was diagnosed as bipolar. I was terrified that even my close friends would think I was crazy when I told them about bipolar. I was afraid they would judge me for being pregnant. However, it was quite beneficial for me to share with my friends what had happened. It was a relief to no longer have to hide everything from everyone. I met with the adoption worker in the student center of my university, and we went over the general adoption process.

Mania into Motherhood

2011-08-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

I am going to post this story in parts, because it is a lot of story to tell.

I have known that I should be journaling my process for a while now, but I have been hesitant to begin. The thought of taking time to really examine my emotions in such a concentrated way is scary. The relinquishment of my first son is such a great loss and so difficult to process that I have been only allowing myself to concentrate on the pain for small periods of time a day. I do not let myself fall into any type of overwhelming or long lasting period of self-pity or crying. I allow myself to cry and think about missing my son only for 30 minutes up to about an hour at a time. So far, I have been able to stop crying and calm down when I move from thinking about my grief to thinking about the adoptive parents’ joy. I think of them taking turns getting up for my son at night. I think of them showing him off to their friends and family. I think of how exciting their first adopted daughter is to have a little brother. I think of them treasuring my son and desiring the world for him. I picture his future in a stable two parent home. I think of him going to school and making great friends. I think of him playing sports with his dad. Then, I remember that I did the best thing for my son. I gave him the best life that I could provide for him. As a mom, I can always find peace knowing that my son is so cared for and will experience the best possible life.

It is so difficult when I think about him and especially if I talk about him. Tears come to my eyes. I love my son so, so much. It is because of this great love that I have for him, that I placed him for adoption. I could not deprive him of a life with two parents that are in love. I knew that he needed a father, and that is something that I could not give him. I believe that it is also important for a child to grow up witnessing the loving relationship of their parents. I would not allow myself to be selfish and keep him just because it would be emotionally easier on me. I had to think about what would be the absolute best for my precious baby, and then I had to act on that. So I did. I started this blog, because I felt like it would help me begin the process of journaling through my life as a birth mother.

Now I will write how this open adoption became part of my story.

In order to set up the stage a little bit, I need to go back to the summer of 2009. This summer that changed my life forever. I was admitted into a mental health hospital, and was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder. I will probably write more about my very difficult process with that later.

Now, flash forward to September of 2011. It was during this month that I had my second severe manic episode. I had recently changed my mood stabilizing medication. It was prescribed that I take it once every day. However, I was not taking it consistently every day.

Number 1: I hate taking medication every day for my illness. Number 2: it is because of this disdain for taking the medicine, that I tended to forget to take it. Number 3: it is NEVER a good idea to skip taking one’s medication.

Therefore, in September my mood and behavior started to change drastically, and I begin acting in ways that were totally and completely uncharacteristic of me. For my entire life, I had never desired to drink alcohol. I just thought that nothing good would ever come of it. I had always thought that it was not necessary to enhance my life in any way, and I would be best to avoid it all together. Furthermore, once I was diagnosed with Bipolar, EVERYTHING that one reads regarding the issue mentions that it is not a good idea for those with this illness to drink. I had never had alcohol in the 20 years that I had lived (except for on my 21^st birthday and that was mostly due to the strong encouragement to do so from a friend that I had). So last September, I began to drink consistently every weekend on both Friday and Saturday (and on an occasional Sunday as well). Not only did I drink, but I would drink to the point where I was very, very drunk and completely out of it.

I felt completely invincible, and life had become a game that I could not lose. At school I was incredibly angry and agitated. I HATED (emphasis here) being there. Not only did I hate the place as a whole, but I hated everyone that was there. I hated them because they were not me. I hated them because they did not understand me. I hated them for being happy. I felt so incredibly different from everyone else. I believed that I knew so much more about the world and human nature than they did. I felt my intellectual level was infinitely superior to theirs. In general, I separated myself from all other people. There was a world of people, and I was incompatible with having relationships with any and all of them. No one could hear me. No one would be able to help me in any capacity. No one truly cared about me. I cut myself off from emotions that I deemed sentimental or weak. These emotions/behaviors were basically all forms of sadness, crying, loneliness, and receiving any form of or help/support. I mean I was omniscient and omnipotent right?

While I felt a sense of invincibility, I also was engaging in many self-destructive behaviors. In my mind, these behaviors demonstrated power and strength. I felt strong and in control when I was acting out in my anger through negative behaviors. I would not eat much and I would make myself throw up anyway. This was not necessarily motivated by a desire to lose weight, but it was more an act of my anger. I was so angry and agitated that I wanted to hurt myself. I also would cut myself. I would feel strong when I kept scraping myself with a knife over and over again until I bled. These wounds would hurt very badly and sting for days and days. I felt powerful that I could do that to myself and experience that pain. I remember thinking that I wanted to leave scars on my arms (and I succeeded in that goal). I remember taking long walks to nowhere. As I walked by the road I thought about jumping in front of trucks that would drive by. I remember sitting at my desk looking at all the bottles of prescription medications and thinking about taking them all at once. I remember hating everyone at chapel that was singing to God and listening to talks about God, and just believing in God in general. I began to fall into a doubt that anyone of a great intellectual capacity could rationally believe in a personal God. I certainly felt no presence of a benevolent God. The more I intellectualized it, the more I believed that any consolation that one could receive from religion was caused by the power of positive thinking rather than the intervention of a God. Human mental activity was the only “god” that existed. People just let themselves feel better, because they needed a reason to be able to feel better. This relationship with God was something that people made up in their minds, and was not founded on any sort of rational reality at all. I felt like reading any sort of inspirational text or hearing any inspirational person speak would have the same effect. I sat and mocked everyone in my head while they stood and worshiped God. I thought that I knew so much more than I did. I thought if they experienced anything like I had experienced then there was no way that they could sing to God.

I had always ever been a moral, responsible, and careful girl. I had always had a great faith and trust in God. I had always loved close relationships with others. However, I had turned into the exact opposite of the Mallory that had always been. On the weekends I continued to exhibit wild, irrational, dangerous, and reckless behavior. During the week I continued to passionately hate everyone and everything. On the weekends I would drink to the point where I had absolutely no judgment or awareness of what was going on. During the week I pushed away anyone that tried to care for me or help me (and by pushed away I mean being extremely mean and/or deleting them out of my life). On the weekends I remember being physically carried away by guys to wherever they wanted to take me. To their car, to their apartment, to their friends’ house, and to some places where I do not even remember. I had absolutely no concept of fear or danger ever. I would not know where I was going, and I would not tell anyone that I was leaving. Albeit, sometimes I did not even realize that I was being taken somewhere until I woke up in someone else’s bed. I was mentally and sometimes even physically incapable of stopping anything from happening, and the times where I had enough mental presence to say anything to the effect of “no” the guy paid no heed to it and did whatever they wanted anyway. One can imagine what these fellows wanted to do with a basically incapacitated girl.

Life as I had always known it was spinning wildly out of control. The true Mallory was buried alive, and the manic Mallory had full reign. I did not even realize that I had become manic. At the time, I felt like this was the true and rational me. I had no desire to change and I had no awareness that my behavior was erratic, dangerous, and self-destructive.

Then, I remember on a night in late October being in a room filled with drunken people and wanting very badly to leave. I had no desire to be there, and drinking was the last thing that I wanted to do. I felt completely uncomfortable in that environment, and I wanted to just leave and go home. From that point on, I was rational again. My anger was virtually gone. I stopped all self-destructive behaviors. My manic episode was over. The true Mallory had returned.

The feeling after a cloud of mania passes is as if a huge boulder on top of my chest has been lifted off. The world has color again. It is as if I have just entered a new world. Everything is fresh and clean. The feeling is a drastic, DRASTIC change. It would be like someone that had been living inside of a hot oven, finally walked out into a cool room. I was at peace again. Sigh of great relief.

Then, two weeks after the bondage of mania had dissipated; I found out that I was pregnant. I was 21. It was the first week of November. I was almost finished with the last semester of my junior year. I would be a college senior that next January.